I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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