I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
