My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
