So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
