Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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