he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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