I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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