tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
