brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
