my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
