All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
