I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
