My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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