hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
