Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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