My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
