honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
BRING THE BAGELS
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
