I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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