You're a womanizer and a bitch.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
