I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
