A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We left an ass print on the piano.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
