Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize