I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
