Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
