Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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