i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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