I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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