Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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