Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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