Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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