Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
