By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
