idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
