im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
