Just fell off a train. Bad.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
