3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
