Me. At least after what I've been through.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
