does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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