she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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