He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
