How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
