Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
