I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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