now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
