Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
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