seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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