if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
