U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
