Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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