I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
