Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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