when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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