Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
