So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
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My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
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She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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