How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
