Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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