I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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