Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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