guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
